UNFAIR!!

UNFAIR!! JUST SO UNFAIR!! It wasn't me who wanted it this way. It wasn't me that felt this way. Why? Why must I pay for something that is not my fault? Is liking someone a crime? Do I have to lose friends just because I like someone?! Where is the rationale?! For someone who really takes every relationship seriously, who treasures relationships above all else, it hurts to realize that the other party does not take relationship the same way.. doesn't treasure friendships as much as I do.. Willing to let go our friendship just because I like a girl... What is this?! Unfair.. unfair....

Quiet?? Me??

Someone asked me today, "Bryan, are you very quiet by nature?" (or something to this tune la.. bad memory... haha! sorry!) I didn't know how to answer.. haha!

Let me see... Those of you who know me at a very personal level know that I am both. At times, crazy (as in REALLY C-R-A-Z-Y) and at times really silent. The silence come especially with people I am not so close to. Haha! I'm not that expressive a person and thus, when it comes to acquaintances that are not so close, I tend to be an introvert and a very silent person. Around people I know and are at a certain level of closeness, I tend to be very crazy and....... hmm.... put it this way... People have told me that they can never read my mind to expect what is gonna happen or what I'm planning as I tend to do things differently.. Haha!

Let me give you 2 aspects of my nature:
1) I am a thinker. I love observe and evaluate and create my own hypothesis. I love to just think about things, getting into the minds of people, evaluate situations etc.
2) I am a perfectionist. Well, not totally one but part of me, yes.

So, am I quiet by nature? Yes, and no...

Survival Brawl

Today's ministers – meaning those ministers belonging to our generation. How many of us are willing to give all up for the ministry? Or let me rephrase. How far are you willing to sacrifice for Christ? I believe that one major problem with ministers from my generation would be the issue of faith. Oh, we wouldn't have any problems with faith when it concerns healing and faith that God exists etc. But the faith that I bring into question is the faith to trust God's faithfulness. What is the center of our ministry and life? God – that we are willing to forsake all for His cause? Or is it just something else other than God? When we are tested and are going through a time or phase wherein we have to live by faith, trusting God every step of the way, will we pass the test? Or will we throw in the towel and leave the ministry? Are we willing to go through times when we ma have to eat nothing for days or even sleep in the streets?

I question myself, if I am to go through that which was aforementioned, will I be able to go through it? Being someone who thinks a lot and thinks very macro at that, and far into the future, I tend to already chart my plans for my life. Plans for my ministry, plans to marry already made, plans to live my life, plans to furnish my house in future, all this and many many more. Even plans for my loved ones even after my death. But so many plans require much finance. Being called into the ministry, I recognize and accept the fact that I will not be very well paid. Just by doing drafted / assumed calculation, it is almost certain that it will definitely be on the negative; the inadequate side. But I am content. Living alone by faith is not that much of a problem. But the problem may arise is when I have a wife and kids. I love them so so much that it breaks my heart just thinking and imagining of this situation in the future. Living on less than the bare necessities, will I be willing to bring those I love into much suffering? Am I willing to forsake all for Christ's sake? Or rather, will I still be in the ministry when faced with such a situation?

I remember the time I was called into the ministry. At that time, I was still young and not much thought was given about the future; my future. I was a very ambitious young chap. Big dreams, big visions, big goals. I enrolled myself in medical school but things did not work out that well. Now, I had a couple of options before me: continue pursuing medicine, go into international business, or something that doesn't interest me like biotech, or another option was to go into full-time ministry (though I was hesitating with this as I wanted to go only if it's God's timing). In every options, I had big plans and was very ambitious. Top pediatric surgeon, CEO etc. But after fasting and praying and seeking God's will, with confirmation from couple of people, I made the decision to go into full-time ministry. But the issue aforementioned still never struck me. At least until I met someone who really made me think so far into the future.

After hearing stories of pastors and missionaries of old, it challenged me to think about everything I've said earlier, including that special someone. But being more mature now than before, her studies come 1^st. If God wills, anything further will be pursued after she graduates. But back to the point, I've heard of ministers earning 2 digits or 3 digits salary, eating only potatoes, that also having days without any food. As mentioned earlier, my guess is that even for marriage, there will most likely be not enough to even carry out the wedding. My house will probably be empty for a bed and a few basic necessities.

Some might say that bigger churches will pay more. You will live a better life working there. That is probably why some ministers would prefer to work in bigger churches. But as for me, it is not about the money but it is entirely about God. God, at this point of time, gave me a burden for and led and leads me to Kluang and I want to be faithful to what He has called me to no matter what the circumstance. Even when I write all these, I'm thinking about how I would be in future and more so, of those who have gone before me and lived by faith. And I can't help but be pushed to tears, especially when we know that God is faithful. God is and will be faithful. I believe and know this. For my part, I want and will be faithful to what He has given me and called me to do.

"God, I place everything into Your hands. From my life, to my love, to my future, to my finances, to my ministry. All I place in Your hands. Teach me and help me to have faith in You like Abraham, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego had. For I know that You will be faithful. As for now, I live my life to be faithful to everything you have given to me and to what you have called me to do and to do it well."

Target...

In my years in BCM, (besides theological training), I wanna:

1. Learn and master the art of football!
2. Learn and master golf (Thanks sw!)
3. Try and see if I can pick up basketball as well!
4. Develop an intimate relationship with God.
5. Meet the expectation of my parents, spiritual mom and the church... (I can do it!!)

I believe these will all be achieved!! Bryan, you can do it!

The Trio...

The 3 things that I want to pick up now:

#3 : Golf... Interesting and fun game

#2 : Football! To be able to bond with the dudes

and, introducing, the undisputed champion...

#1: SPEED READING (faster than I do now) so I can finish ALL my reading assignments in the shortest time possible!!

Haha!

Assumption

Old Testament Survey... Old Testament Survey... What kind of impression does that give you as a subject? Well, yes, you answer is what I felt. Anticipating a boring lecture which I will be struggling to keep my eyes opened, I dragged my feet to the class. As I opened the door, Pas. Wendy had already begun her class. I sat down and sighed. "It begins now", I thought. I took a sip of my coffee and started listening to her. Surprisingly, I enjoyed the class! No, I did not feel sleepy now did I feel that it was boring! The class was kinda draggy at the beginning but after a while, it caught my attention and I didn't feel like sleeping anymore! Looking forward to tomorrow's class.. Haha!

Anyways, for someone who doesn't like reading, I've officially been thrown into the torture chamber. LOTS of reading to do... Let me see:

Christian Theology by Erickson : approx 624 pages.
A Survey of the New Testament by Robert Gundry : 528 pages
Encountering the Old Testament by Arnold & Beyer: 476 pages
God, Revelation & Man Collateral Reading : 200 pages
Entire Bible : 1252 pages

Total : 3080 pages Deadline : 30 March 2009!!

that would mean averagely 88 pages a day!! Man, I'm gonna have problem. And I HAVE to read because reading alone has marks!! (p/s: this does not include assignments, exams and research papers) God help me!!

Dark Ages

Many people say that the past stained with darkness and sorrow should be forgotten. That the 'dark ages' should be put behind as we turn over a new leaf. But in my case, I beg to differ.

For me, I will always remember my past. The things I've done and the things I've been through for various reasons:

(1) I can help people who are in the same position and struggles I used to be in

(2) It shows God's power and protection over my life.

(3) I will learn from it and not fall into the same mistakes again.

but most importantly (4) It shows God's mercy and grace and His never-ending love and glorifies God!!

For these reasons, my past will never be forgotten but instead, always be remembered.

Reminising the past... Wishing the future...

Was at the hospital a few days back and was in the A&E. Sitting down there for almost 2 hours, I got to observe the things going on at the A&E. Beds and wheel-chairs zooming around as if in an F1 race, doctors and nurses moving here and there, some in discussion, some looking at x-rays. It was chaotic. But a smile came on my face... this was a chaos I wanted.

It has always been my dream to be a doctor. I was so so so close to being one. Just one step to medical training. I wanted to be a pediatric surgeon or an A&E doctor. I loved medicine and helping people. I was ready to put up with the stress and sacrifices for a doctor. I loved studying my paramedic skills and was really looking forward to being a doctor. I used to imagine myself as a top pediatric surgeon or A&E doctor and giving out free treatment and consultation to those who really could not afford. I always believe that health should not have money as it's boundary. My plan was in a year, two to three of the months, I will go to a 3rd world country to offer free medical treatment. I was this this this close to realizing my dream....

until

I missed the mark to enter into Medicine. It came as a shocker not only to me but to my lecturers as well as friends. Even in English, I could not make the mark whereas there were those who aren't as proficient in English who got an A. I could not believe it! Anyway, after pulling myself together, I decided to retry. But things didn't go so smoothly. I wasn't allowed to enter in that particular year. So my Pastor and mentor advised me to fast and pray. So I did. Cut the long story short, I am now in Seminary.

But as I was sitting there in the A&E, I almost teared. This was something I really really loved and wanted to do but I have to give it up. For the ministry, for the people, most importantly, for God, I had to let go... Sometimes I do wonder, how nice it would be if I was a doctor... But nonetheless, medicine will not be alienated from my life. (I have plans... Bwahahaha!) Very unlikely that I will be a doctor but I might take something similar to that field... Will help in my mission entries into countries as well.. Haha! Medicine.... Medicine... Medicine....

"God, help me to fix my eyes on You and always look back to my calling. Assure me, O Lord, that I made the right decision and that Your ways are higher than my ways. Let me find joy in what I do... Joy that exceeds the joy I would have in medicine..."

At long last...

Yearpz.. At long last, the unfaithful blogger (cuz keep changing blogs) has finally decided to settle down to one PERSONAL blog (which is this) and one GENERAL blog (which is www.bryanboo.co.cc).
[p/s : this should not be an issue of doubt or question regarding my faithfulness towards God, my work or even my relationship.THis is EXCLUSIVELY for connection between me and my blogs only. Thank you]

Test... Test of faithfulness to this blog.. Ahahaha!

Gotta hit the covers or I'll be 'fishing' in NT Survey tomorrow... God help me stay awake in class...
*yawn*

Nite nite...